"An Apology for Spiritual Harm" some musings and considerations

Out of the many things that had happened at the General Synod in Vancouver, one of the most meaningful for me was when our Primate Fred Hiltz offered an apology for the spiritual harm caused to the indigenous peoples of Canada.  It was historical and it is only the beginning for the much needed reconciliation to occur.

If there is one thing I tend to keep close to my chest is that I am Metis.  I do so for many reasons.

 It took me decades to gather enough information for my genealogy and to properly apply for my Metis citizenship.  Beyond the practical frustrations of having to "prove" I am Metis in a colonial way (your documents get submitted to the government to ensure that your not claiming Indian status as well as citizenship), I grew up with the mystery of knowing that I was a "half breed" or "half Indian" but was strongly encouraged by my mother to suppress this knowledge for fear for me (she was unsure if we were Metis or Cree).  There are some things you can't hide and, unfortunately, I spent my better days being brutally bullied over the colour of my skin.  It was the first nations friends who took me under their wings who tried to help me discover my roots.  They felt the pain I was suffering and sought to share our common ways.  I did learn a little bit about smudging, medicines, how to hunt and etc from those friends.  I had a yearning in my bones to practice my traditions.

My Great Grandmother Suzanne Salois, wife of Abraham

Those friendships came to a screeching halt when my parents found out from my school about my friendships with Indigenous friends.  My school teachers discouraged me from hanging out with those "Indians" because "they were nothing but trouble."  My school did not know that I was Metis because my parents never disclosed that information.

The Roman Catholic Church in which I was brought up in, discouraged any indigenous practices and taught us that it was semi demonic or pagan.  My schooling only taught about colonialism and absolutely nothing about the First Nations people of Canada.  My Christian upbringing and my public education purposely divorced me from the teachings of my ancestors.

My mother did not pick up on the teachings.  She only has faded memories of grandma singing in Michif.   And other memories when grandma would dress up my mother like an "Indian girl" in beautiful dresses only to be horribly bullied at school.  We lost our languages of Michif, Cree, and French.

Out of concern for her children, my grandma would often tell my mom and her brothers and sisters to say if they come asking that "you are french, you are french."  My mother had no idea that it was grandma's way of protecting them from being placed in a residential schools.

My own story within the Roman Catholic Church took many twists and turns including a stint in the seminary and with the Franciscans.  I was strongly discourage by certain leaders in the church from to let my past go for fear it may have a negative effect on my vocation while others would mock me or be dismissive of my heritage.

My great grandfather 4X, Abraham Salois standing in the back.
Last of the great Metis Buffalo Hunters.

Fast forward to these past few weeks and I was given this apology from my bishop.   I was left speechless and I was able to accept the sincere gesture but struggled to accept the apology.  The reason why I find it difficult is that healing has only just begun for me with this letter.  It is a letter that states that I can practice what my bones have been crying out to do without shame and fear.  It is a letter that states we are on truly part of the Church.

This should be bring me joy, right?  However, I struggle.  I have lived in between two colliding worlds of settlers and Indigenous--finding my place in community has been difficult and often awkward.  So to reconcile the hurts of my past and all of a sudden feel belonging in the Church will take time.

I was recently asked by a fellow person why can't "they get over it" (I think the person forgot that I am Metis).  It begins with that problematic "they" after an apology by the Anglican Church of Church stating that you belong with us.  When I hear that word "they," to refer to First Nations, Metis and Inuit, my heart feels separated from the communion of the church.

However, memories of hurt and pain don't simply go away.  Until I can smudge without being told that "it is not Christian" and I can remove the guilt associated with that, the day I can go to a sweat lodge, to discover the teachings the elders, to use traditional medicines, the day I can speak our lost language and above all not be afraid to say that I am Metis and be accepted in my local church, will be the day I will feel reconciled in the Church.

This all takes time, if not generational time to heal between various cultural groups.  It also helps if the church at the local level live this apology in a sincere way without putting a time line on our healing or tell us the way in which we need to heal.  It is so easy to strike people down with hurt and pain within a few moments of time, but such pain takes centuries to heal.  I have only begun this journey.

I am here though.  A lover of Jesus, committed Anglican priest and Franciscan brother who is proud to be Metis.  I love the church with all her warts.  I only ask that the church be patient for us who need the time to heal and reconcile the "spiritual harm" that has committed against the First Nations, Metis and Inuit of Canada.

"Many people dream of being able to pray in their native langauge. Here is a Michif prayer written by Norman Fleury. The spelling is phonetic, so sound it out and let these syllables bring your genetic memory into being." 

Li bon jeu, not Creatuer, li courage, miyinawn, paray chee itayhtamawk, kwayesh kapimouhtayhk, marsee chee itwayak Ka kiskcheetayimoyak.

Lee Michif Weechihik awnsawmbl chee atoushkaychick, sourtoo lee vyeu chee awpachihayakook li zhen chee kishnamawachik pour li tawn ki vyaen.

Li bon jeu la direksyoon miyimawn, itayhta chimiyouitayhtamak, li shmaen chee oushtawynawk pour la nawsyoon de Michif ota dans not piyee.

Sa prend lee famee di Michif chee shoohkshichik kispin la Nation di Michif chee shoohkawk.

Marsee d’twnanan.

English translation:

God, Our Creator, give us courage, let us be of one mind, make us righteous, thankful, and proud.

Help the Metis to work together especially utilizing our elders as teachers and preparing our youth for the future.

Lord provide us with direction and inspiration as we build a road for the Metis Nation in this country.

We must have strong Metis families in order to have a strong Metis Nation.

Thank you and Amen.